Why The Republicans Will Never Have The Presidency Again

1996 presidential candidate,viagra spokesperson, and referrer to himself in the 3rd person Bob Dole  says the Republicans ought to put a sign on their door that says “Closed for Repairs.”

Rand Paul says the party is broken, and they need to change the perception people have of them, especially by pandering to the public on issues like the environment and education, which aren’t the issues Republicans give a shit about anyway so they can afford to give a little ground there.  Seriously, you can read about it here.

Bob Dole, being Bob Dole

If you don’t care to read the whole story, check  out this  quote: “If we want to win in bluish-getting-bluer states like California, we have to change the current perceptions of who we are,” he said.  In other words, “Lie better.”

But perhaps I am being ungenerous, and Rand Paul, and Bob  Dole, and a handful of others who have voiced similar sentiments, are serious about bringing about change in the Republican party.  Good luck, guys.  You’re going to need it.

See, the big question is, the question  that Republicans have to ask before they change at all is “What do we want to change  into?”.

Do they want to be the Christianist  party, led by the likes of Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, and the very likely to return if she doesn’t actually have to do time over her corruption charges Michele Bachmann?  That wing of the party is strong, and the Republicans can’t afford to lose them.  Nonetheless, if they make a huge moral argument about abortion, they lose the woman’s vote, even the white woman’s vote.  If they make a big deal out of teaching creationism in schools, they lose the votes of people who want their kids to get a good education.  So, they can’t win, either way.

Do they want to be the Randian, Free Market Capitalist party?  There’s apparently a significant bloc of votes there.

Nah, they  say they do, but they  don’t.  Most southern  Republicans (if you have ever in your life voted for  a job deserting, taxpayer money stealing, wife abandoning, restraining order violating former governor just because the other candidate was a Democrat, then you might be a southern Republican.)

The  thing about that demographic, though, is that they’ve never read Ayn Rand.  Not that it’s hard reading, a High School kid should be able to get through Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead pretty easily.  But whole bunches of them never  finished High School at all.  They may have flipped through the graphic novel version, but that’s about it.

Do they want to be the old Republicans, the respectable money?  Mitt Romney would like that, but he’s never going to be president.  And a lot of those first two  groups (and the  gun nuts.  How can we forget the gun nuts?), are less than rich.  Eventually, they may catch on.

So, whichever way they turn, the Republicans will have to offend some people to get others.  Outside of their base states (which are not all in the South, to be fair), they can’t win elections.

And that is why they  will never hold the White House again.