The 50th anniversary of President Kennedy’s assassination is approaching, so there are going to be absolutely a shit ton (which is right at the top of the scale of unspecific amounts: a pinch, a dollop, a gob, a mess of, lots and lots, a shit ton) of articles about it in the next couple of weeks. Stuff like this, about how John Kerry has a theory about it, but won’t comment on what it is, saying it would be inappropriate, I guess because he’s Secretary of State, which means it’s like he’s saying “Hey, I’m on the government side now, if they say it was a lone nut case, I’m going to say it was a lone nut case, fuck the world.”
Highly Respected Supreme Court Justice Earl Warren
I don’t lay awake nights wondering about John Kerry’s opinion on things. That’s probably because even thinking about John Kerry puts me to sleep. Wake me up when Miley Cyrus has an opinion on who killed JFK.
My candidate is, and has been for a long time, LBJ. Sure, he was only a car or two behind, which means he had some balls, but I don’t expect he was actually in on the planning. I just reckon he let a lot of people know (Brown and Root Construction Company, later called Halliburton. They made a fucking fortune out of the Viet Nam war) that if he were president, he’d treat them a lot more favorably than that Massachusetts liberal.
1. He hated John Kennedy, and the whole Kennedy family, with a passion. He hated them for their money, he hated them for their good looks, and he hated being vice-president. (Read Robert Caro)
2. He was a totally unscrupulous son of a bitch and a heartless psychopath. (Read Robert Caro)
3. He was totally obsessed with the idea of becoming President, and had been his whole life (Read Robert Caro)
4. The Thomas Wink. Take a look.
5. The assassination took place in his back yard. Which mean it was an easy mess for him to clean up. As the ultimate well-connected Texas politician, the Dallas police force and the local press did his bidding. As President, he could appoint the investigating committee. I suspect the conversation went something like this.
“Hey, Earl! Come on in here!”
Chief Justice Earl Warren somberly enters the oval office.
“Earl! We’ve got to investigate this hee-yar assassination, keep the people happy, let ’em know we’re on top of things. We’ve already got the killer, this Oswald guy, and he’s already day-ed, so you should be able to wrap it up real quick. Whaddya say? Will you head the commission?”
“I would consider it a great honor, Mr. Joh…..er, excuse me, Mr. President.
“Haw! Haw! Haw! Yeah, it’s takin’ me a bit of gettin’ used to, too. But, boy, I sure do like the feel of this chair.”
“Ahem, yes, but as I was saying, Mr. President, I don’t know if we should be so hasty about this. A thorough investigation takes time, and we have to honestly look at all the possi….”
“Aw, horseshit, Earl. I’ll give you all the civil rights legislation you want.”
“How many pages would you like, sir.”
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