As I believe I have mentioned in this space before, perhaps even many times, one of my pet peeves is lists. I don’t mean like a shopping list or a to do list, because I make those myself. I am bad enough at shopping even with a list, I’d be lost without one, coming home from the shop without basic necessities and with 6 different kinds of junk food. As for to do lists, I frequently make them but they don’t do any good. I know it’s among the habits of highly successful people (7 habits, 10 habits, I’ve seen a lot of those lists), but they are highly successful because they actually do the things they put down on the lists, which makes them different from me.
Anyway, I’ve decided that since it’s a total waste of time to even read those lists, (they only write them because they want to take up space and there’s not enough happening in the world to report on, and yes, I’m being sarcastic), from now on when I see the headline, I’m just going to write my own list in my head and be done with it.
Today, I saw two: 7 Things Not to Say to Your Thanksgiving Host, and 5 Things That will Make You Happier Than Shopping on Black Friday, so here goes:
7 Things Not to Say to Your Thanksgiving Host
1. You’re fat and you’re ugly.
2. Good fucking lord, not turkey again! Every goddamned year, turkey. Why don’t we just order some pizza?
3. Jesus Christ, this house is a dump, is this the best you can afford?
4. Your kids are morons.
5. Your husband is cheating on you.
6. Somebody just puked on the carpet in the bedroom. It wasn’t me, I swear!
7. We should do this more often.
5 Things That Will Make You Happier Than Shopping on Black Friday
1. Getting really stoned
2. Getting blind drunk
3. Sex
4. Watching porn on the internet
5. Not shopping on Black Friday
See, easy peasy.
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