I watched a couple of truly horrendous 80’s sci-fi flicks on TV last night and this morning. Making Mr. Right, which is probably the most embarrassing thing John Malkovich has ever done, and Starcrossed, which was even lamer. Starcrossed was basically a cross between Starman and Brother From Another Planet, without the social message of the latter or the quality of the former.
Boldly Going Where No Man Has Gone Before
Anyway, there are two messages I take away from this. First, I have way too much free time on my hands. Second, this whole theme of sleeping with somebody, or something, non-human, is really, really common. In Making Mr. Right, the nerdy scientist (Malkovich) made an android which looked just like him. Of course, the android winds up with the girl, who doesn’t think of him at all as just an overly developed sex toy. Spielberg’s AI was the only film I can think of that actually got into the moral implications of that, with Gigolo Joe, but that film was just such a huge disappointment I don’t want to talk about it.
Of course, it’s been done well, like with Dan Aykroyd and Kim Basinger in My Stepmother is an Alien or Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science. Even Splash and Mannequin had some funny moments, although neither one would make my 200 favorite films list. Captain Kirk, of course, got more non-human nookie than a Georgia pig farmer.
So, why is it such a popular theme? My guess is that it’s the fantasy of every nerdy guy who can’t get a date to save his life, and I have a fair bit of experience at being a nerdy guy who can’t get a date to save his life. Wouldn’t it be great if you could meet a girl who didn’t have any human cultural conditioning to be reticent about sex? In Starcrossed, the sexy alien actually says to James Spader “Teach me how they do it on your planet.” Really, a guy can’t get any luckier than that.
And who watches the most sci-fi films? That’s right. Nerdy guys who can’t get a date to save their lives. But wait a minute. Even though the alien (or robot, or mermaid, or whatever) in most of these films is female, it’s not 100%.
So, O.K., there are some nerdy sci-fi girls out there, too.
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So, this is something that, embarrassingly, I think about relatively frequently. I can’t help but consider the variety of genitals here on earth when theorizing about the plausibility of intergalactic whoopee. There are female spiders that have no vaginal openings and in order to impregnate them males have to crack one off on their hand, sneak up, and punch a hole into the female’s uterus with their goo-spackled arm and run away before they get killed. There are fish that get together in huge, swirling orgies, shooting eggs and sperm all over in a giant whirlpool of underwater sex-action. And flowers and bees… just think about that. Seriously, bees are kinky, winged eunuchs that fly into the sex organs of another creature, thereby assisting the flowers in their screwing, and cover themselves in gametes which they bring home and feed to their families. And the bees themselves? Gangbang city, ew. Big fat queen and her harem of humper beess.
Also, humans are the only primates whose penises lack spines. Really, look it up.
So, Cap’n Kirk, next time you spy a sexy E.T. Floozy, watch out that orifice you put your dinghy in doesn’t bite it off. Or perhaps you’ll get stung, paralyzed and have a bunch of eggs put in you the way some wasps do. Sound fun? Sure it does, you kinky cosmic sex fiend.
Good one, Matthew. I’m tempted to just copy this response and use it as my next blog of the day.