First of all, I do like bacon. I like it fine with a couple of fried eggs and piece of toast in the morning, or perhaps as the greasiest element in a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. It is not my favorite way to eat pig, ranking well behind a big, juicy pork chop, a breaded cutlet or a roast of knee, hot and falling off the bone, with plenty of horseradish. Then, of course, there is a whole pig, turning on a spit over an outdoor fire, don’t get me started on that. But bacon is fine, I’ve got nothing against bacon.
It’s not just not kosher, it’s the anti-kosher
And I love ice cream. I love it by itself, in a big banana split with all the trimmings, or melting on top of a hot piece of apple pie. There is a sweetness, a creaminess, an innocent purity about it which goes beyond taste. Ice Cream is an antidote to the horrors of humanity, the evils of the modern world. It is hard to be bitter and cynical while eating ice cream. It is, in fact, nearly impossible, like frowning while saying “cheese.”
Now, Burger King has decided to combine the two in a “Bacon Sundae.” That is just fucking disgusting. It’s a big cup of soft vanilla ice cream, topped with fudge, caramel, bacon crumbles and one big old slice of bacon, planted there like a stupid flag.
It’s not that I am an unadventurous eater, or object to odd combinations. Ham and pineapple on a pizza? You bet. Chicken and waffles, covered with maple syrup. Oh, hell to the yes.
But this is gross. It’s not about the taste. They might taste just fine together. It’s the mixing of the moods that I find weird and unpalatable. When you eat bacon, it is a funky, rough edged, top of the food chain experience.
Ice Cream is a bit more unicorns and balloonish. It is a regression into childhood.
I think I know why they are doing it, though, what demographic this all American, high fat, hyper-caloric, gastronomic monstrosity is supposed to appeal to: tea baggers. This is their way of saying “Screw you, Michelle Obama! Fie on your healthy foods and reasonable exercise. We do not want vegetables and wholesomeness. We are fat, disgusting pigs, proud of it, and will gorge ourselves on massive quantities of unhealthy foods in bizarre combinations until we die.”
To which I say “Go for it, baggers!”
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