Tag Archives: Michele Bachmann

August 18, 2011 · 1:37 pm

Bachmann/Perry

Minnesota crazy lady Michelle Bachmann and Texas dumbfuck Rick Perry seem to be celebrating their newfound frontrunner status by trying to outdo each other in a “Listen to me!  I can say  something stupider than anybody!” competition.

and she uses his music as a campaign theme, so she should have known better

Bachmann, in a speech a couple days ago in South Carolina, gave a Happy Birthday shoutout to Elvis Presley, which should be a fairly non-controversial thing.  Except that his birthday is January 8th.  She gave the speech on the anniversary of his death.  This should still be a fairly non-controversial thing, like Mitt Romney a few days ago letting fly with a Freudian slip which made it sound like he thought he was in Iowa when he was in New Hampshire.  Easy mistake.

But added to her shot heard round the world gaffe when she implied that the American Revolution began in New Hampshire and her John Wayne v. John Wayne Gacy goof  when she was announcing her candidacy in Waterloo, Iowa, the town she grew up in, it indicates a larger problem.  She doesn’t have any fact checkers reading her speeches.

Maybe she just does all of her speaking off the cuff, which would actually be pretty impressive and a point in her favor – if she got things right.

Then we come to well known secessionist Rick “Guns ‘n Jesus” Perry, implying we should get a rope and hang Ben Bernanke and then saying we should use predator drones to curb illegal immigration.  This is a different category of stupid.  He doesn’t go into detail about how predator

drones could be applied to that particular problem.  It might actually make some sense in a Rand Paulian underground fence sort of way.  Perry is just throwing the words out there because predator drones have been in the news lately and they sound cool and tough and macho.

Although both of them support policies which would be extremely destructive to the United States of America and, by extension, the rest of the world, I’ve got to give Perry the nod as this week’s biggest dumbass.

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August 15, 2011 · 9:32 pm

Did Michele Bachmann Cheat in Ames Straw Poll?

No, she did not.  It’s a straw poll, an unscientific sampling, sort of like those polls where if you buy a vanilla ice cream it’s a vote for one guy and if you  buy a chocolate, it’s a vote for the other, which don’t take into account that well over

Yup. It's definitely the eyes.

50% of Americans couldn’t give a rat’s ass about politics, probably don’t even know who the candidates are, and really  just came into the shop to get some ice cream.  Cheating is more or less allowed.

Here’s the situation:  the Ames Straw Poll is a fund raiser for the Iowa Republican party, and since Iowa has such a key role in American presidential races, it’s taken on a lot more significance than it deserves.  Candidates set up booths, give out free food, maybe balloons, stuff like that.  Anyway, Michelle Bachmann won it, Ron Paul came in a very close 2nd, Tim Pawlenty ran 3rd and promptly dropped out of the race, which surprised the hell  out of me, because he still beat Cain, Perry, Romney, Gingrich, Santorum and McCotter.

Anyway, some of Ron Paul’s people are upset at the way things turned out, and they  are crying foul.  What Bachmann did was she signed up country music artist Randy Travis to give a concert and gave away 6,000 tickets  but on the condition that recipients vote for her.  In the end, she got 4,800 votes (So, some back-stabbing deadbeats took her free tickets and still voted for somebody else.  These are probably the same people who stay at an  all you can eat buffet for 6 hours, so they can get in two meals), beating Ron Paul by about 150 votes.  Basically, she bought the election, but there’s nothing in the rules of the Ames Straw Poll that says you can’t do  that.

She spent about a million dollars, in total, but it was money well  spent.  She forced T-Paw out of the race and got a ridiculous amount of  good press out of it.  Newspapers called it “Michele’s Big Win” and had pictures of her in confetti covered glory as if she’d just been elected president or something.

For some reason, the press loves Michele Bachmann.  I think  it must be the eyes.

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July 19, 2011 · 7:18 pm

Michele’s Migraines

Michele Bachmann, who wants to be the next president of the United States worse than Bellatrix LeStrange wanted to kill Harry Potter, has a medical problem.  Apparently, if the Daily Callercan be believed, she gets really nasty killer migraines.  About once a week, one staffer admitted.  Bad enough to go to the hospital, some times.

Or maybe aliens planted a chip in her head...

Of course, I don’t think suffering from migraines is necessarily a disqualifier for the presidency.  Thomas Jefferson, one of the founding fathers who Joan of Minneapolis admires so much,  had migraines.  So did Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Lewis Carroll, Sigmund Freud, Elvis Presley, Kareem Abdul Jabbar and many others.

Also, if you’re going to allow that argument, pretty soon somebody will bring up the old “they all go crazy once a month” argument and then you’ve got women effectively barred from politics.  Slippery slope.

However, couple the migraines with the fact that she thinks God speaks to her directly and I find it a little bit disconcerting in somebody who could destroy the world at the push of a button.  Thomas Jefferson couldn’t do that.  Simpler times.

I think maybe an MRI or whatever they call those fancy brain scans, just to make sure she doesn’t have a tumor that makes her say crazy stuff, or something else.  In fact, I think that would be a reasonable thing to ask of any presidential candidate.

Actually, I think that’s a great idea.  Also, as medical science advances, doctors will be able to actually see the images that you’re thinking of  (I saw it on House once).  Someday, we will actually be able to look inside the minds of our prospective leaders and see what they intend to do.

It probably wouldn’t make any difference.  Crazy people will continue to vote for crazy people.

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July 13, 2011 · 3:40 pm

Pink is Not Always Cute

As is often the case, there are numerous nominees this week for the Richard, the weekly award we award every Wednesday to the evillest, most callous hearted Republican of the week, someone who has shown such total disdain for the most basic norms of Western civilization and, in fact, humanity that they have managed to sink even below the abysmal depths to which that once noble (well, O.K. 150 years ago) party has already sunk.

Arizona State Senator Lori Klein (R-of course)

I decided to call it the Richard, not necessarily after Richard Nixon, who established the principal that whatever the president of the United States does is legal, or at least pardoned, nor after ghoulish puppetmaster Richard “the dark one” Cheney, who spent his time in the vice presidency scowling and shooting people in the face, but just because it always goes to the biggest Dick.  This week, interestingly enough, the biggest Dick is a lady.  First, however, the nominees:

Presidential candidates Michele Bachman and Rick Santorum are nominated for signing that weird marriage vow, which says they will always fight against gay rights and appoint only judges who hate gay rights, but the original language also had that one really weird line about how African American babies who were born into slavery had so much of a better chance at a good life than babies today.  The line has since been removed,  in a clear move to CTPA but neither Bachman or Santorum ever actually denounced it.

However, we’re going to be hearing about Bachman and Santorum plenty for the next year or so, and they are both so easily mockable that I want to give some lesser knowns a chance, and also I, like most sports fans, despise a tie.

Then there’s Paul Ryan, who was caught red handed drinking bottles of $350 dollar wine at a posh D.C. restaurant.  Although it’s quite Marie Antoinettish of him, he probably didn’t do anything  illegal.  There’s his little financial issue, though, the way he stands to profit if the U.S. economy tanks, but he’ll probably evade prosecution on that, too, blind trusts, yadda yadda yadda.  If they couldn’t prosecute Cheney for his connections to Halliburton, this will probably come to nothing.

Our winner, however is Arizona state senator Lori Klein who, while explaining her view of gun rights to  reporter Richard Ruelas from the Arizona Republic , pulled her little pink gun from her purse and pointed the red beam of her laser sight right at his chest.

“Oh, it’s so cute,” she said.  The safety was not on because that particular gun does not actually have one but, Klein says  “I just didn’t have my hand on the trigger, god.”

Guns are not cute, not even if they are pink.  They are, even at their best, instruments of death.  Klein could have killed the reporter.  Nothing cute about it.

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July 3, 2011 · 2:44 pm

More Filth From Bristol Palin’s Autobiography

Bristol Palin refers to Levi Johnston as a gnat in her book “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey so Far.”  But that’s not the only form of low life vermin Bristol’s got a problem with.  Residents of Middletown, Ohio, about halfway between Cincinnati and Dayton, are not happy with her

Bristol signs Books for Baggers in Bloomington

description of the Manchester Inn Hotel, where the Palin’s stayed the night before McCain announced Sarah as his running mate, in Dayton.

“The raggedy old hotel had dated furniture, small rooms, ugly pink walls, and an abundant supply of cockroaches,” she wrote. “I’d never even seen a cockroach before. Reporters might not think Wasilla is the prettiest town in the world, but at least we don’t have roaches.”

She also misspelled the name of the town, by leaving out the w.

It probably doesn’t make any difference.  Sarah Palin was probably not going to run for president in 2012 anyway because, among the 15 or so odd candidates who are seeking the Republican nomination, she wouldn’t really stand out.  Just one more right wing nut job in a room full of right wing nut jobs.  Secondly, anybody who would have supported her is already on team Bachmann, because Joan of Minneapolis and Caribou Barbie are essentially the same person.  They are both good looking women with large families from comically northern states who are fanatically anti-abortion and talk about God a lot.

But, if she was still thinking about running, she can kiss Ohio good bye, and no Republican has ever won the presidency without carrying Ohio.  Ever.

The hotel is not going to be launching a law suit or anything.  First of all, it closed in January, after 89 years.  The owner had died and, well, maybe it was a bit run down.  They are thinking of reopening it as a cooking school.  That is not a joke.

The galling thing was the misspelling of the town’s name.  That kind of thing can happen to anybody, in a random e-mail or twitter or something.  However, this book went through a publisher.  It had a ghost writer and, one would hope, a team of fact checkers and proof readers.  The fact that they made such an elementary mistake proves not only that they are incompetent but that they couldn’t care less what people in Middletown, Ohio, think.

That’s arrogance.  Politicians can get away with a lot, but not that.

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