My Theory on the Origins of Christmas

Yesterday I wrote about why I hate Christmas, but tonight I’d like to elaborate a little bit on reason number 2, which was the Christianity of the whole thing.  I’m not a Christian, so I’m not celebrating a Christian holiday and I get damn tired of people lecturing everybody about “Jesus is the reason for the season” and “Let’s put the Christ back in Christmas.”

It’s pretty clear that the holiday predates Christianity.  The Romans had Saturnalia.  Also, the early Christians made a serious habit of co-opting local custom, deities and even temples.  They weren’t the only ones.  Ancient Pharaohs used to steal previous Pharaohs’ statues, just redo the face a bit and the inscription, and sometimes coopted whole pyramids.  The Hagia Sophia, in Constantinople, was a mosque and then a church and now it’s a mosque again.

Anyway, here’s how I think Christmas probably began.  A long, long time ago, say a couple of hundred thousand years ago,

Happy Holiday! Zorg Get New Coat and Club

before people had computers, electricity, metal tools, the wheel or written language, life was hard.  People lived by hunting and scavenging.  Hunting and scavenging in the winter is not easy.  Any fruits and vegetables they’d hoarded through the summer were probably used up by the middle of winter.  Somewhere in northern Scandinavia, a tribe of people were huddled in their cave and didn’t have much to do.  So, they made stone tools, jewelry, and clothing and other accessories out of leather.  They stayed close to the fire for warmth but they were cold, hungry and scared.  Especially scared.  The sun had disappeared.  They did not know that it was coming back.  They did not know that this was not the end of the world.

Then the sun came back!  Some people managed to kill a reindeer.  There was joy around the fire.  People started giving each other stuff that they’d made, out of pure relief at being alive.  Also, a close brush with death makes you appreciate those around you.  Some people put some shiny stuff into trees, maybe in an attempt to reflect light from the sun and encourage it to hang around for awhile.  People got drunk.  Maybe even sang some songs.  Yes, I think the 1st Christmas Carol went something like “Og, Zog, Bagog, pass the rotten fruit juice, we’re not going to die”

It has changed a bit since then, but I suspect that’s how it all began.