Hillary Buys Onion; Makes it Suck

(note- this is sarcasm; although the facts are all true, the quotes are completely made up)

Since media mogul Haim Saban, who has donated more than $2 million to Hillary Clinton’s campaign and vowed to do whatever it takes for her to win, purchased a controlling interest in ‘The Onion’ in January, they have failed to publish a single funny article.

The satirical site, which used to have readers laughing so hard they shit their pants nearly every other day, does not even seem to be trying to be funny.

haim

Hillary Clinton with Haim Saban and his Smoking Hot Trophy Wife, Cheryl, in 2003

“O.K., maybe the Ted Cruz in bondage gear was a little bit funny,” admitted long time Onion reader Phil McCracken.  “Mostly, though, it was just gross.  And they haven’t done anything at all recently on Florida Man.  I refuse to believe that people in Florida have stopped doing comically stupid things.”
It remains to be seen whether the tactic will backfire, but Clinton spokesperson Mia Virginia defended the move.  “It had to be done,” she told reporters.  “Sanders is an old Jewish man from Brooklyn, who talks like Mel Brooks doing the 2,000 year old man.  He’s naturally funny.  We needed to level the playing field, and we leveled it.”

Pollster Ned Silverbergstein refused to commit to a prediction, but said “It appears that Clinton is still leading in South Carolina, but this may hurt her in later, funnier states such as Colorado, Alaska and, of course, New Jersey.”

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