You know those surveys where you answer a bunch of questions about how you feel on different political issues and they tell you who you should vote for? Yeah, well I don’t pay too much attention to them, either, but just for the raw hell of it, because I have a blog and I can, I’ve created my own little handy-dandy guide for how everybody should vote in the Democratic primaries. Here goes:
1. If you love Bernie Sanders without reservations, you should vote for Bernie Sanders.
2. If you like Bernie’s positions, but think he’s too old, you should vote for Tulsi Gabbard.
3. If you like Bernie’s positions, but think “eh, I don’t know, he sounds so cranky and he’s always waving his finger,” you should vote for Tulsi Gabbard.
4. If you love Tulsi Gabbard, you should vote for Tulsi Gabbard.
5. If you love Tulsi Gabbard, but think she’s too young and inexperienced, you should vote for Bernie Sanders.
6. If you support Kamala Harris, despite her monstrous record as California AG, the fact that her largest campaign contributors are TimeWarner and Steve Mnuchin, and her own father disapproves of her campaign, just because ‘she is a strong woman of color,’ you should vote for Tulsi Gabbard.
7. If you support Elizabeth Warren because you like her economic agenda, you should vote for Bernie. Same agenda, but Bernie didn’t stand up to clap when Trump promised to crush it.
8. If you support Amy Klobuchar or Kirsten Gillibrand because it’s high time we had a woman president (and, really, there is no other reason) then you should vote for Tulsi Gabbard.
9. If you support Andrew Yang, because you think UBI is absolutely the most pressing issue in the world, I think you may actually be ahead of your time. Try voting for somebody that supports a $15 an hour minimum wage and has a realistic chance at winning this year (e.g. Tulsi or Bernie), and then write them a nice letter suggesting they appoint Yang as secretary of the treasury, or commerce.
10. If you support Joe Biden because you like garrulous, old, white haired men who’ve been in politics forever, you should vote for Bernie.
11. If you support Beto O’Rourke because you think it’s so cool the way he rides a skateboard, you should vote for Tulsi. She SURFS.
12. If you support Corey Booker, I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with you.